New Release: The Pit and the Pendulum (2010)

Directed By: David DeCoteau

Starring:
Lorielle New as JB Divay
Stephen Hansen as Jason
Bart Voitila as Kyle

Official Rating: 2/10

I learned something from watching The Pit and the Pendulum. I learned that failing to research movies properly can lead to you wasting the coveted top spot on your Netflix queue. Hey, I could have rented The Princess and the Frog...but no, I rented this straight-to-disc "horror" movie that is not really a horror movie at all. You see, I first read Edgar Allan Poe's classic tale of terror when I was in high school; I fell in love with it and its chilling descriptions of torture. So, fast-forward a few years when I notice that a cinematic updating of that story is about to be released on DVD. Having never heard of the filmmakers, the studio, or the cast, I simply assumed that it would be just another horror movie about some person being tortured. I didn't read the plot synopsis nor did I read the reviews by Fangoria or Dread Central, though I did notice their presence. So, imagine my surprise when I pop the DVD in and begin to watch a movie about a handful of scantily-clad metrosexuals asking a notorious hypnotist, JB Divay (Lorielle New), to help them improve their performances in their respective sports. Hmm, I thought, that isn't the Poe story I remember from high school, not even close. Oh, but it gets even wierder and more out-there when the movie becomes...well, strangely homoerotic.

Past Release: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Directed By: Wes Craven

Starring:

Heather Langenkamp as Nancy

Robert Englund as Fred Krueger

John Saxon as Lt. Thomposn

Official Rating: Great Movie (10/10)

With the inevitable remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street arriving faster than many would like, I felt that it would be the perfect time to revisit the classic movie (and its sequels) that sparked a cinematic phenomenon and influenced the genre we all know and love to an enormous extent. But, what can possibly be said about Wes Craven's masterpiece that hasn't been said countless times before? Ugh, Freddy's sweater is sooooo 1980's? To be honest, you have probably all seen this movie before and many of you have seen it more times than you could count on both hands and feet together. I'm not really talking to you; to see A Nightmare on Elm Street is to understand its brilliance and, therefore, you don't need me telling you how great it is. You know already. I'm talking to the rest of you...that one guy who has been living under a rock since 1976 and that other girl who was raised by wolves. I'm talking to you because it is high time that you experience the movie that made Wes Craven a household name, that sparked numerous sequels, and that put Freddy Krueger's charred face on lunchboxes everywhere. To be sure, pop culture has been unfairly unkind to Mr. Krueger, depicting him more like Ronald McDonald with knives than the brutal child murderer that Wes Craven created here. That is a cinematic travesty, my friends.

Past Release: Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (2005)

Directed By: Michael Oblowitz

Starring:
William Forsythe as Tom Reed
Hunter Tylo as Amelia Lockhart
Jeffrey Combs as Dr. Preston King

Official Rating: 4/10

If you read my review of SyFy's Dinoshark, you know that I can appreciate the low-budget schlock that these made-for-television movies can provide. They're stupid...they're silly...but they're still pretty fun in a "so bad, it's good" kind of way. So, still smacking with guilt for liking (and recommending) the undeniably hokey Dinoshark, I sat down to watch Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy, a SyFy Original Movie about a half-man, half-hammerhead monster terrorizing people on an island. With the SyFy Channel's sure-fire recipe for creating B-movie creature features and a cast that includes William Forsythe and Hunter Tylo, how could it possibly go wrong? Well, to my surprise, it actually misses the mark...not by much, but enough to make me not recommend it. Why? Well, first of all, its titular monster, the dreaded hammerhead-human hybrid, takes a backseat to a bunch of faux-military thugs who really become the movie's primary villain. Though the hammerhead does rack up the body count, he (or it or whatever you call the thing) only arrives just before someone is going to be munched upon and leaves directly after. The rest of the movie is filler, pitting our heroes against the aforementioned soldiers. That, to me, is just not as compelling as watching a walking hammerhead eat people!

Past Release: Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (2009)

Directed By: Paul Weitz

Starring:
John C. Reilly as Crepsley
Chris Massoglia as Darren
Josh Hutcherson as Steve

Official Rating: 3/10

I wanted so much to enjoy Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant, if only because it seemed like the type of movie I would have enjoyed when I was ten or so. Packed with horror elements but lacking any of the gore or nudity that make parents cringe, it could have been a really solid introduction to the horror genre for those people just shy of the Twilight generation. Unfortunately, it is instead a rather wierd, cluttered movie that becomes increasingly bogged down in its all-too-heavy plot. When it should be energetic and spirited, it is stiff and monotonous. When it should be serious and mature, it is childish and silly. It's primary problem, the one from which all of its other flaws begin, is that its plot is simply too overstuffed for one movie. There are so many characters...so many themes...so many things that happened before this movie even began. Rarely are any of these things developed appropriately and, thus, The Vampire's Assistant feels like a mish-mash of ideas that never fully meld together for a cohesive movie-watching experience. When the end credits rolled, I stopped to reflect on what I had seen. I felt one thing: disappointment.

New Release: Dinoshark (2010)

Directed By: Kevin O'Neill

Starring:
Eric Balfour as Trace
Iva Hasperger as Carol
Aarón Díaz as Luis

Official Rating: 5/10

To watch a SyFy Original Movie and expect anything more than garbage is like...well, watching a SyFy Original Movie and expecting anything more than garbage. I apologize for my lack of a witty pun, but you have to understand: I just finished watching Dinoshark, a movie about...you guessed it, a prehistoric shark. My brain is still turned off and probably won't come out of hiding for another couple of hours. You see, the people over at the SyFy Channel haven't made a quality movie in years, if ever, and yet people always tune in to see what they have to offer. I can sympathize; after all, I'm one of them. In fact, I have to admit that I was more than a little excited to see Dinoshark. Let's face it, there is just something very appealing about watching Eric Balfour go head-to-fin with an unfrozen dinosaur shark. Plus, with a title as gloriously cheesy as this one, you know about what to expect: a lot of hokey visual effects, some hilarious dialog, and plenty of over-the-top creature violence. That, my friends, is just how the SyFy Channel makes movies. What's most surprising (and probably unfortunate) is that their formula actually kinda works. I mean, sure, Dinoshark sucks, but all of its horribleness is simply too obvious to be unintentional. Even if you hate it, you're sure to enjoy it on some level.