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Directed By: David DeCoteau
Starring:
Lorielle New as JB Divay
Stephen Hansen as Jason
Bart Voitila as Kyle
Official Rating: 2/10
I learned something from watching The Pit and the Pendulum. I learned that failing to research movies properly can lead to you wasting the coveted top spot on your Netflix queue. Hey, I could have rented The Princess and the Frog...but no, I rented this straight-to-disc "horror" movie that is not really a horror movie at all. You see, I first read Edgar Allan Poe's classic tale of terror when I was in high school; I fell in love with it and its chilling descriptions of torture. So, fast-forward a few years when I notice that a cinematic updating of that story is about to be released on DVD. Having never heard of the filmmakers, the studio, or the cast, I simply assumed that it would be just another horror movie about some person being tortured. I didn't read the plot synopsis nor did I read the reviews by Fangoria or Dread Central, though I did notice their presence. So, imagine my surprise when I pop the DVD in and begin to watch a movie about a handful of scantily-clad metrosexuals asking a notorious hypnotist, JB Divay (Lorielle New), to help them improve their performances in their respective sports. Hmm, I thought, that isn't the Poe story I remember from high school, not even close. Oh, but it gets even wierder and more out-there when the movie becomes...well, strangely homoerotic.
To be fair, I should have researched this movie before renting it and, therefore, I deserved to be misled. But, it's not being misled that bothered me. Hey, if the filmmakers can create a sexy, gay-friendly horror movie, then more power to them; I'll watch it and review it. If they want to slap on a familiar title simply for marketing purposes, then that is their decision and I actually kinda understand: movie-making isn't an easy business, after all. However, my problem with The Pit and the Pendulum is that it is neither a horror movie nor softcore gay porn. It is basically just eighty-five minutes of absolutely nothing. The death scenes are tame and dull, usually consisting of someone getting strangled for about eight seconds and then blacking out. The sex scenes...wait, the make-out scenes are equally juvenile. Two men, clad only in underwear, kiss for about thirty seconds and two women, wearing a bit more clothes, kiss for even less time. Homophobes shouldn't worry, though, because these scenes are so PG-rated, they are almost laughable. The one scene that might be considered erotic involves two men (yes, in underwear) wrestling while a topless woman watches on, rubbing herself. Here's the problem: who, despite some whacked-out psychopath, gets turned on by two men trying to kill each other, no matter how undressed they are?
Had The Pit and the Pendulum been fully aimed at being sexy, scary, (or best of all) both, there would have been absolutely no problem. But, alas, it can't decide what it wants to be. Most of the movie concerns our characters lounging around, with most of the men not wearing shirts, talking about nothing of any significance. The movie's villain, the botox-faced JB, chats about her father tortured people to take away their ability to feel pain, and our potential victims talk about how wierd she is and how crazy her father was...that's it. After about ten minutes of such nonsense, I was ready to reach through the screen and kill them all myself. But, I managed to stick it out, with the hope that the titular pit and pendulum might somehow drag this movie out of its self-induced coma. Nope, no such luck. First of all, there is no pit; JB mentions it here and there, but we can tell that it is just a blatant attempt to warrant its title. The pendulum is present...but, my god, I wish it wasn't. It looks so cheap and harmless and, when it does actually kill someone (I won't say who), it has to be one of the worst death scenes in cinematic history. Here's a tip to all of you budding filmmakers out there: if you can't afford to show a pendulum slice into a character, then just do it off-screen. Please don't do what director David DeCoteau does here and just show the pendulum swing by followed by a few drops of CGI blood on the screen. It's pathetic.
Okay, okay, so there are a few people out there who will like The Pit and the Pendulum: prepubescent gay boys and straight girls whose parents have put a content lock on Cinemax and the Internet. They can rewatch the same-sex make-out scenes and get some level enjoyment out of them...though I hope they, at least, realize just how mediocre it all is. This movie is a complete disaster when it comes to storytelling. How does it do, at least, with its performances? Not too good, my friends, not too good. Lorielle New looks as though she is constantly having to force her face to move; having seen pictures of her before her obvious plastic surgery, I can say that the work was not necessary. She was quite pretty, but now she can't show facial expressions or deliver her lines properly. The men fare better, but not by much. Most of them let their finely-crafted abs do the bulk of their acting, but you can hardly blame them. Simon Savory's screenplay gives them little to do beyond stand there and look pretty. In fact, I got the feeling that The Pit and the Pendulum aimed to be a moving Playgirl magazine, but without the courage to show the full monty. Ultimately, it isn't softcore porn and it isn't a horror movie. It really isn't anything, except strangely lifeless. In fact, I've already entirely forgotten I saw it. Wait a minute; what were we talking about again?
To be fair, I should have researched this movie before renting it and, therefore, I deserved to be misled. But, it's not being misled that bothered me. Hey, if the filmmakers can create a sexy, gay-friendly horror movie, then more power to them; I'll watch it and review it. If they want to slap on a familiar title simply for marketing purposes, then that is their decision and I actually kinda understand: movie-making isn't an easy business, after all. However, my problem with The Pit and the Pendulum is that it is neither a horror movie nor softcore gay porn. It is basically just eighty-five minutes of absolutely nothing. The death scenes are tame and dull, usually consisting of someone getting strangled for about eight seconds and then blacking out. The sex scenes...wait, the make-out scenes are equally juvenile. Two men, clad only in underwear, kiss for about thirty seconds and two women, wearing a bit more clothes, kiss for even less time. Homophobes shouldn't worry, though, because these scenes are so PG-rated, they are almost laughable. The one scene that might be considered erotic involves two men (yes, in underwear) wrestling while a topless woman watches on, rubbing herself. Here's the problem: who, despite some whacked-out psychopath, gets turned on by two men trying to kill each other, no matter how undressed they are?
Had The Pit and the Pendulum been fully aimed at being sexy, scary, (or best of all) both, there would have been absolutely no problem. But, alas, it can't decide what it wants to be. Most of the movie concerns our characters lounging around, with most of the men not wearing shirts, talking about nothing of any significance. The movie's villain, the botox-faced JB, chats about her father tortured people to take away their ability to feel pain, and our potential victims talk about how wierd she is and how crazy her father was...that's it. After about ten minutes of such nonsense, I was ready to reach through the screen and kill them all myself. But, I managed to stick it out, with the hope that the titular pit and pendulum might somehow drag this movie out of its self-induced coma. Nope, no such luck. First of all, there is no pit; JB mentions it here and there, but we can tell that it is just a blatant attempt to warrant its title. The pendulum is present...but, my god, I wish it wasn't. It looks so cheap and harmless and, when it does actually kill someone (I won't say who), it has to be one of the worst death scenes in cinematic history. Here's a tip to all of you budding filmmakers out there: if you can't afford to show a pendulum slice into a character, then just do it off-screen. Please don't do what director David DeCoteau does here and just show the pendulum swing by followed by a few drops of CGI blood on the screen. It's pathetic.
Okay, okay, so there are a few people out there who will like The Pit and the Pendulum: prepubescent gay boys and straight girls whose parents have put a content lock on Cinemax and the Internet. They can rewatch the same-sex make-out scenes and get some level enjoyment out of them...though I hope they, at least, realize just how mediocre it all is. This movie is a complete disaster when it comes to storytelling. How does it do, at least, with its performances? Not too good, my friends, not too good. Lorielle New looks as though she is constantly having to force her face to move; having seen pictures of her before her obvious plastic surgery, I can say that the work was not necessary. She was quite pretty, but now she can't show facial expressions or deliver her lines properly. The men fare better, but not by much. Most of them let their finely-crafted abs do the bulk of their acting, but you can hardly blame them. Simon Savory's screenplay gives them little to do beyond stand there and look pretty. In fact, I got the feeling that The Pit and the Pendulum aimed to be a moving Playgirl magazine, but without the courage to show the full monty. Ultimately, it isn't softcore porn and it isn't a horror movie. It really isn't anything, except strangely lifeless. In fact, I've already entirely forgotten I saw it. Wait a minute; what were we talking about again?
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