New Release: Dinoshark (2010)

Directed By: Kevin O'Neill

Starring:
Eric Balfour as Trace
Iva Hasperger as Carol
Aarón Díaz as Luis

Official Rating: 5/10

To watch a SyFy Original Movie and expect anything more than garbage is like...well, watching a SyFy Original Movie and expecting anything more than garbage. I apologize for my lack of a witty pun, but you have to understand: I just finished watching Dinoshark, a movie about...you guessed it, a prehistoric shark. My brain is still turned off and probably won't come out of hiding for another couple of hours. You see, the people over at the SyFy Channel haven't made a quality movie in years, if ever, and yet people always tune in to see what they have to offer. I can sympathize; after all, I'm one of them. In fact, I have to admit that I was more than a little excited to see Dinoshark. Let's face it, there is just something very appealing about watching Eric Balfour go head-to-fin with an unfrozen dinosaur shark. Plus, with a title as gloriously cheesy as this one, you know about what to expect: a lot of hokey visual effects, some hilarious dialog, and plenty of over-the-top creature violence. That, my friends, is just how the SyFy Channel makes movies. What's most surprising (and probably unfortunate) is that their formula actually kinda works. I mean, sure, Dinoshark sucks, but all of its horribleness is simply too obvious to be unintentional. Even if you hate it, you're sure to enjoy it on some level.

Here's the story breakdown: a prehistoric shark that is bigger and uglier than any modern-day fish is unfrozen from a glacier off the coast of Alaska. It makes its way to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and begins to chow down on a bunch of unfortunate swimmers. Only a local tour boat captain, Trace (Eric Balfour), and his beautiful sidekick, Carol (Iva Hasperger), can kill the beast and save the unaware vacationers when the local police refuse to investigate. If you have ever seen a creature feature (especially one made by the SyFy Channel), you have seen the same story told before...just change the monster from frankenfish or dinocroc to dinoshark and, poof, you have this movie. On an originality basis, Dinoshark is dead in the water. But, that doesn't mean that it isn't worth your time, depending on what you want out of a movie. If you're in the mood to be scared witless, then don't bother with this. If you are in the mood to see a really cool creature feature, I'm sure Blockbuster has a copy of Jaws. But, if you are looking for a movie that you and a bunch of friends can laugh at and enjoy over some drinks and nachos, then you have found a prime candidate in Dinoshark. It is that sense of mindless, guilty entertainment that has me recommending this to you, even though I admit it's pretty bad.

I bet I know what you are thinking: there are millions of entertaining bad movies out there; what makes this one any different? My answer is simple: not much really. However, Dinoshark nails the art of being so bad, it's good. Its cast, led by Eric Balfour (whose career has sputtered out since he starred in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake), is actually quite good. They deliver the bad dialog with a self-satisfying seriousness that, I believe, is every bit as intentional as the dialog itself. When one character says, "Welcome to the endangered species list, you bastard," just before killing the titular creature, I wanted to stand up and applaud that actor for not bursting out into fits of laughter. Hey, if that doesn't make a person deserve an Academy Award, I don't know what does. In addition, the actors are actually quite charming, which helps significantly since the screenplay gives them a grand total of zero character development. To be sure, the cast is upstaged constantly by the ferocious dinoshark who, despite looking like a character from the Super Mario Bros. video game at times and a puppet at others, embodies all of the silly excessiveness that SyFy monsters must have. You've seen a shark...you've seen a dinosaur...but you've never seen a DINOSHARK! You get the idea.

So, let's be clear before we leave: Dinoshark does suck, but it sucks in a good way. The SyFy Channel produces these creature features on a weekly basis and many of them suck in a bad way; Dinoshark, however, is one of their most effective efforts due to its shameless devotion to delivering cheap and easy entertainment. It isn't the next great horror movie nor does it even aim for such a lofty goal, but that doesn't mean it is completely worthless. B-movie king Roger Corman produced this movie (as well as a slew of other SyFy Original Movies) and his presence is quite obvious. While watching Dinoshark, you can almost envision yourself in some grungy theater, seeing a double feature of this and Supergator. For the "sophisticated" movie-goer, this might sound like an excruciating time. For the rest of us, such an idea holds a special, unique appeal and will satisfy our occasional need to watch some really crappy movies and just enjoy them for exactly what they are. There is something quite refreshing about a movie that is willing to be juvenile, dumb, and altogether bad without any of the false pretences that have permeated most recent theatrical genre offerings. If you can watch a movie with your brain turned off and your critical eye closed, then Dinoshark will appeal to your bad-movie-loving side.